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# The Life and Times of a 14-Year-Old Titan
A Biography of Shane
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## **Early Life & Destiny Unfolding**
On June 7th, the universe collectively held its breath. It knew something big was about to happen, something so monumental that the fabric of space-time itself would tremble. And then, Shane arrived. As soon as he emerged from the womb, he didn’t *cry* like every other baby. Nah. He came out flexing his biceps, stared down the doctors, and muttered, “You’re welcome.” It’s been said that he could already bench press his birth weight and recite the alphabet backward. And no, it wasn’t some *weak* alphabet. It was the alphabet of **greatness**.
Shane’s parents were just trying to get through a regular day of baby duties, but Shane had bigger plans. Within a week, he was already crawling faster than his dad could walk. Within a month, Shane was lifting his dog *like a dumbbell*—a move that sent his family straight to therapy. No one knew what had happened, but the family dogs? They knew. They instinctively bowed to their new leader and began following Shane around. These dogs weren’t just pets—they were his *personal army*. No one ever broke into the house, because if they did, Shane’s dog “Bodyguard Squad” was ready to chase down intruders at light speed.
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## **The Rise of a Basketball Prodigy**
Most people think they know basketball. They know how to dribble, shoot, maybe even dunk if they’re lucky. But then, in the quietest corner of an unassuming gym, *Shane* entered the scene. His first game? It wasn’t a game. It was a *massacre*. At 5'6", Shane wasn’t just small; he was *lethal*. Every time he crossed over, defenders didn’t just lose their footing—they lost their souls. The crowd? They didn’t clap, because they were too busy picking their jaws up off the floor.
His layups were so ferocious that defenders feared not just the ball, but the sheer *gravity* of Shane's movement. It was said that one time, he leapt for a rebound, and he disappeared into the clouds. No one knew where he went, but the weatherman called it “the most violent updraft ever recorded.” When he came back down, the basket had *already surrendered* to him. He didn’t dunk. He *broke* the rim. The basketball hoop was so terrified, it started a GoFundMe for its own rehabilitation. Shane didn't just break ankles—he broke *laws of physics*.
Opponents would stand there, mouths agape, asking: “How does he move like that?” The answer was simple: He didn’t just practice. Shane *teleported* across the court, leaving defenders confused, bruised, and questioning their existence.
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## **Strength Beyond Measure**
While most teenagers were too busy watching *TikToks* or counting their likes, Shane was busy bending the laws of reality. A normal teenager might flex in the mirror once or twice. Shane? He **bent** the *mirror* and then used it as a bench press. You think lifting weights is impressive? Nah, Shane doesn’t “lift weights.” He **incinerates** them with his sheer willpower. Dumbbells quaked in fear when Shane entered the gym. If you happened to walk into the gym while Shane was there, you’d see him picking up entire *buildings* like they were toy blocks. That’s not an exaggeration; a *hospital* once *asked* Shane to use their waiting room for squats.
One time, a guy challenged Shane to an arm-wrestling contest. The man was at least six inches taller and, let’s be honest, had probably been arm-wrestling for decades. Shane didn’t even flinch. He didn’t *sit down*—he just grabbed the guy’s hand, looked him dead in the eye, and whispered, “I don’t arm wrestle. I arm **dominate**.” By the time Shane had finished, the guy’s entire body had evaporated out of sheer surrender. People nearby didn’t know what to do, but they did the only thing they could: They immediately built a shrine to Shane's forearms.
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## **The Maxwell Armistead Transformation: From Food Boy to Iron Warrior**
And then came Maxwell Armistead, a 32-year-old Dutchman whose life could be summarized in two words: *Buffet King*. Maxwell didn’t believe in physical activity. He didn’t even believe in walking to the fridge. No, Maxwell had the metabolism of a sloth on vacation. He had never seen the inside of a gym. Instead, he spent his days worshipping at the altar of fast food. His muscles? They were as nonexistent as the concept of self-discipline. Maxwell’s arms were built not from weights, but from *lifting cheeseburgers*.
Shane didn’t even blink when he saw Maxwell’s body. To him, Maxwell wasn’t just some guy. No, Maxwell was a *project*. A *challenge*. A lost soul waiting for the power of Shane to turn his life around.
**Day 1:** Maxwell walked into the gym holding a bag of donuts. Shane didn’t say a word. He just slapped the donuts out of Maxwell’s hands and replaced them with a protein shake *so intense* that Maxwell’s tongue had to sign a waiver before drinking it. “Get ready,” Shane said, “because we’re going on a *journey*.” Shane proceeded to make Maxwell sprint *through a forest* while being chased by angry squirrels. The squirrels, mind you, were wearing *tiny gym shorts*.
**Day 3:** Maxwell looked at his legs and whined about soreness. Shane, unfazed, threw him into a pit of foam rollers and instructed him to perform 100 squats while simultaneously trying to keep a basketball in the air. “*No pain, no gain, Maxwell.*” Maxwell screamed, but by the end of the day, his legs no longer felt like spaghetti. They felt like *oak trees*.
**Day 7:** Maxwell started hallucinating, mumbling about the taste of pizza. Shane, ever the taskmaster, forced Maxwell to eat an entire *pineapple* before sending him on a 5-mile run with a tire strapped to his back. “You’re not allowed to eat junk food ever again, my dude,” Shane declared, “You’re going to build muscle *and* discipline.”
By **Day 10**, Maxwell could bench press his regrets, run a marathon, and fight off an army of angry chickens. And when Shane asked, “Do we train tomorrow?” Maxwell didn’t hesitate. “Yes, we do,” he replied, his voice now filled with a newfound confidence. Maxwell had truly become a warrior.
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## **Enter Hank: The Unlikely Sidekick**
Then came Hank. Hank wasn’t much. He wasn’t fit, he wasn’t brave, and let’s be real—he was the kind of guy who would get winded from walking to the mailbox. But one day, Hank witnessed Shane do something so unholy, so absurd, that Hank knew he needed to be a part of it. Shane was juggling *three flaming cars* while also doing one-handed pushups on top of a moving train. “Yo, I’m ready,” Hank said, swearing he could keep up.
**Day 1:** Hank was already wheezing after 15 seconds of jogging behind Shane. Shane, the literal embodiment of athleticism, barely broke a sweat. He stopped, looked at Hank, and casually tossed him a bottle of water. "You... you good, Hank?" Shane asked. Hank could only stare, too winded to answer. “Yeah, you need to step it up,” Shane said. “But I believe in you.”
**Day 3:** Hank tried to *actually* run alongside Shane, but instead of *running*, Hank tripped over a rock, faceplanted into the dirt, and accidentally created a new type of mudslide with his body. Shane? He didn’t help. He just sat down, opened a bag of chips, and muttered, “Guess you’ll catch up when you do.”
**Day 5:** Hank tried to challenge Shane to a sprint. Shane, with zero hesitation, outran *time itself* while Hank stumbled behind. But Hank wasn’t deterred. He learned, with every step, that he couldn’t compete with Shane’s raw cosmic power. But, at least, he could run at a pace that wouldn’t leave him hospitalized.
By **Day 7**, Hank had become a *mildly functional* human being. He could *almost* keep up with Shane’s insane pace. Almost.
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## **The Alexander Grasso Incident: A Digestive Disaster Turned Educational Masterpiece**
Then there was Alexander Grasso. A man whose digestive system was essentially a disaster zone. His stomach was constantly in a state of rebellion, constantly fighting him like it was the Battle of Gettysburg. Alexander never *exercised*—he didn’t believe in standing. His most intense physical activity was reaching for the TV remote. His intestines were beyond repair. He didn’t just eat junk food—he ate *junk life*.
Shane didn’t come here to fix Alexander’s *gut*. No, Shane came to fix his *mind*—and in doing so, he ended up fixing his gut, too. Kind of.
**Day 1:** Shane kicked down Alexander’s door at 4 a.m., blaring *Sweet Home Alabama* at max volume. “Recite 10 states while planking.” Alexander, barely awake, was forced to comply. By the end of Day 1, Alexander had recited five states—and had also collapsed on the floor from exhaustion. “Do better tomorrow,” Shane said, tossing him a protein bar.
**Day 3:** Shane threw a flashcard deck at Alexander while he was doing squats. “*You will learn this stuff, or you will perish in ignorance,*” Shane said. Alexander scrambled, but by Day 5, he knew *all 50 states*. “Now let’s move on to the capitals,” Shane declared.
By **Day 10**, Alexander’s brain had been reprogrammed. He knew all 50 states, all their capitals, and all 50 state birds. He had learned *discipline*, and although his stomach was still a battlefield, his *mind* had been transformed.
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## **Other Wacky Feats**
- **Once lifted an entire buffet** because it didn’t “look right.”
- **Beat a high school basketball team 1v5** while blindfolded, eating a sandwich.
- **Taught his dogs to play basketball** and shock the NBA.
- **Juggled three flaming cars, a bear, and a tornado** for fun.
- **Woke up, vanished for 3 days,** came back with a full beard, a new car, and a PhD.
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## **Legacy**
At only 14, Shane had shattered every record. He’d *broken* every law of physics. And now? The world wasn’t just *ready for Shane*. The world *needed* Shane, because the true test of greatness had only just begun.
Birthday June 7
Activities & Interests
Activities 1. Competitive duck staring
2. Extreme ironing on a roller coaster
3. Training worms for underground wrestling matches
4. Speedrunning grocery shopping
5. Whispering motivational quotes to goldfish
6. Riding unicycles underwater
7. Converting road signs into cryptic riddles
8. Teaching pigeons parkour
9. Collecting air from different cities in Ziploc bags
10. Becoming a professional reverse jogger
11. Petting stray clouds
12. Practicing disappearing acts in public places
13. Aggressively speed-reading the back of cereal boxes
14. Counting the number of holes in Swiss cheese
15. Perfecting the art of falling dramatically in public
16. Competitive speed-sneezing
17. Training squirrels for bank heists
18. Learning how to moonwalk on all fours
19. Writing Yelp reviews for inanimate objects
20. Hosting rock-paper-scissors tournaments for stray cats
21. Convincing mannequins to unionize
22. Attempting to translate bird songs into English
23. Racing turtles at breakneck speeds (emotionally)
24. Practicing how to fake a believable alien abduction
25. Tying shoelaces in complete darkness for sport
26. Building houses of cards using live bees
27. Becoming fluent in the language of traffic cones
28. Writing fanfiction about your own shadow
29. Trying to summon cartoon characters into real life
30. Running in slow motion everywhere for dramatic effect
31. Collecting invisible stamps
32. Arguing with plants about politics
33. Attempting to contact WiFi signals spiritually
34. Mastering the art of sneezing in different accents
35. Speed-eating soup with a fork
36. Yodeling competitively in subway stations
37. Learning how to communicate with ATM machines telepathically
38. Trying to sell bottled air to astronauts
39. Practicing how to win arguments against yourself
40. Signing autographs for confused strangers
41. Attempting to prove that spoons are actually tiny shovels
42. Training mosquitos to perform synchronized flying routines
43. Auditioning for movies you weren’t invited to
44. Staging intense staring contests with statues
45. Developing a ranking system for different brands of tap water
46. Creating fake conspiracy theories about yourself
47. Shouting random plot twists in movie theaters
48. Pretending to be an NPC in real life
49. Speedrunning naps
50. Trying to convince people that “cheese therapy” is real
51. Practicing how to walk like a crab in formal settings
52. Attempting to make your own shadow laugh
53. Competitive finger snapping
54. Testing the limits of how many bananas you can hold at once
55. Recreating dramatic movie scenes with your reflection
56. Secretly training to become the world’s first human frisbee
57. Inventing a new form of handwriting only you can understand
58. Learning how to make perfectly timed background music for conversations
59. Holding weekly press conferences for your pet rock
60. Becoming the world’s first professional daydreamer
Interests 1. Speed-tying shoes with your toes – Terry Thompson, world record holder for fastest shoe-tying with his feet, does it while blindfolded in 2 seconds.
2. Training grass to grow in perfect geometric patterns – Bartholomew Grimm, a professional grass-shaping guru, sculpts grass into intricate designs during off-season.
3. Recreating famous movie fight scenes with sock puppets – Chuck Johnson, champion sock-puppet boxer, defeats a 6-foot tall sock version of Bruce Lee.
4. Holding a staring contest with your own shadow – Clarence Miller, shadow boxing expert, claims he can defeat his own shadow in under 5 minutes.
5. Training pigeons for espionage – Igor Paparov, ex-KGB operative, trains pigeons to carry secret messages for his team of agents.
6. Building an entire city out of mashed potatoes – Sarah McGrath, mashed potato sculptor, constructs a life-sized potato metropolis in 24 hours.
7. Speed-building IKEA furniture without instructions – Derek Hawkins, world-renowned IKEA furniture assembler, completes a full sofa set in under 10 minutes, no instructions needed.
8. Developing the world’s most complicated handshake – Gina Wenzel, professional handshaker, creates a handshake so complex it requires four people to execute perfectly.
9. Training ants to complete obstacle courses – Oliver Klein, entomologist and obstacle course builder, gets ants to finish a 20-step challenge in record time.
10. Trying to out-flex mannequins – Bill Hartman, professional mannequin challenger, defeats a store mannequin in a 2-minute flex-off.
11. Teaching butterflies how to do synchronized flying – Vera Dupree, butterfly choreographer, organizes a flawless synchronized butterfly routine for the Spring Gala.
12. Speed-walking backwards through public parks and pretending it's normal – Marvin Johnson, champion reverse walker, sets the world record by speed-walking backwards through the entire park in 5 minutes.
13. Trying to communicate with WiFi signals using interpretive dance – Julian Cox, wireless communication expert, dances the WiFi signal dance for 24 hours, getting the best reception in history.
14. Teaching cows how to do yoga – Kara Fisher, farm yoga instructor, leads a class of cows through a peaceful 30-minute downward cow pose.
15. Running a marathon in a hamster wheel – Billy Jenkins, the world’s first hamster wheel marathon runner, completes 26 miles in 6 hours.
16. Starting a protest against gravity – Elijah Green, professional anti-gravity activist, stages a one-man protest to abolish gravity on a local hilltop.
17. Juggling flaming pineapples – Linda Rhodes, fire juggler, sets the record for most flaming pineapples juggled simultaneously.
18. Creating a new Olympic sport involving only jumping over pillows – Duncan White, former gymnast, invents an Olympic event where athletes only jump over strategically placed pillows.
19. Practicing synchronized swimming in a kiddie pool – Maria Lopez, world-class synchronized swimmer, does a flawless routine with inflatable flamingos.
20. Speed-knitting sweaters for dogs – Gregor Murphy, competitive knitter, knits 50 tiny sweaters for dogs in under 2 hours.
21. Hosting a curling competition on a trampoline – Lucas Taylor, expert curler, attempts to curl rocks while bouncing on a trampoline.
22. Racing lawnmowers in a go-kart style event – Emily Carter, professional lawnmower racer, wins a high-speed event through a suburban neighborhood.
23. Teaching a horse how to rollerblade – Jessica Parker, equestrian and roller-skating enthusiast, teaches her horse to glide smoothly on wheels.
24. Holding a tug-of-war competition using spaghetti noodles – Thomas Lee, spaghetti enthusiast, organizes an annual spaghetti tug-of-war event.
25. Having a staring contest with a lamp – Julia Scott, world-record holder for staring contests, stares at a lamp for 10 hours without blinking.
26. Training dogs to do synchronized breakdancing – Kevin Johnson, dog trainer, gets 10 dogs to perform synchronized breakdancing routines on the street.
27. Speed-walking through an obstacle course blindfolded – Valerie Rogers, competitive walker, sets a world record for the fastest blindfolded speed-walk through an obstacle course.
28. Attempting to break the world record for longest time balancing a book on your head – Samantha Williams, balance expert, manages to balance a book on her head for 16 hours.
29. Organizing a competition for the longest paper airplane flight – Jack Taylor, professional paper airplane flier, creates an aircraft that soars for over 300 yards.
30. Building a miniature house out of cheese – Noah Green, architectural enthusiast, constructs an entire miniature home made out of various types of cheese.
31. Teaching iguanas to play chess – Keith Adams, reptile trainer, teaches iguanas how to make strategic chess moves against each other.
32. Attempting to teach a rock to roll down a hill – Paul Walker, self-proclaimed rock whisperer, tries to get a rock to roll down a hill in perfect formation.
33. Racing shopping carts down a hill in a derby-style competition – Claire Johnson, professional shopping cart racer, leads a fast-paced race down a steep hill with modified carts.
34. Trying to break the record for most socks worn at once – Nick Harris, sock enthusiast, sets a new record by wearing 100 pairs of socks simultaneously.
35. Using only chopsticks to stack a pyramid of oranges – Daniel Park, chopstick specialist, stacks 200 oranges in a perfect pyramid without using his hands.
36. Hosting a leapfrog championship – Caitlyn White, leapfrog champion, organizes the world’s first official leapfrog competition with over 50 competitors.
37. Trying to race a snail and win – Laura Bowers, competitive racer, trains a snail to race against her on a short track in an intense race.
38. Hosting a competitive game of "who can jump the highest while holding a watermelon" – Frank Hill, watermelon-jumping champion, wins by a full foot with the watermelon.
39. Organizing a tug-of-war with jelly – Paula Miles, jelly-slinging expert, organizes an annual competition of tug-of-war with a giant pool of jelly.
40. Trying to teach a cat how to do a backflip – Steve Fox, animal gymnast, gets a cat to pull off a perfect backflip.
41. Setting up a sprinting race for sloths – Alex Bell, sloth coach, sets up a race where the fastest sloth finishes in under 45 minutes.
42. Conducting a dance-off with an inflatable pool toy – Lily Thompson, pool dancer, beats her competition in a dance-off against inflatable dolphins.
43. Starting a professional hot air balloon jousting league – Mark Collins, hot air balloon jouster, leads an annual jousting competition using hot air balloons.
44. Competing to see who can jump into a puddle the highest – Natalie Clarke, puddle jumper extraordinaire, sets a high bar with a 10-foot jump into a puddle.
45. Attempting to break the world record for longest slide down a waterpark slide – Sam Green, slide champion, breaks the record by sliding for 7 minutes straight.
46. Racing to see who can put on the most layers of clothing in one minute – Tim Taylor, layering expert, puts on 50 layers of clothes in under 60 seconds.
47. Holding a marathon with participants in inflatable dinosaur costumes – Fiona Wright, organizer of Dino Dash, hosts a 26-mile race where participants run in inflatable dino suits.
48. Organizing a competitive spaghetti-twirling tournament – Abby Turner, professional spaghetti twirler, organizes a global competition where participants race to twirl pasta the fastest.
49. Hosting a synchronized hopscotch tournament – Betty Rivers, professional hopscotcher, choreographs a flawless hopscotch routine involving dozens of people.
50. Organizing a competitive marshmallow-eating race – Louis Fisher, champion marshmallow eater, consumes 100 marshmallows in under 10 minutes to win.
