Hey, I’m Maxwell Armitstead, a lineman at Essex Tech. I play both offensive and defensive line, which means I’m basically a wall you’re not getting past, or a wrecking ball about to knock you down. If you try to cross me, just know you’re playing with fire—and you’ll regret it when you get burned. You’ll be lucky if you walk away with your dignity intact, let alone without a bruised ego.

When I’m not out there dominating the field, I’m hitting the gym, making my muscles bigger than the problems you’ll have if you try to block me. I’m the best at football, and honestly, if you don’t think so, you’ve clearly never faced me. I’m that guy who makes the game look easy, but it’s not. It’s a whole lot of work.

Now, let me introduce you to my friends, the real legends of this story. First, we have Alexander Grasso. This guy’s the ultimate toe-wrecking champion. He somehow tore his ACL doing something that can only be described as "heroic"—or maybe just "reckless." Don’t ask him for details, though, because he’ll say it was all part of the plan. Spoiler alert: It wasn’t.

Next up, there’s Shane Smithers. This 92-year-old Greek man spends his Thursdays doing something most people would consider a hobby—fishing for coins in a lake. I don’t know why, and honestly, he doesn’t either. But you can bet that when he pulls a coin out of that water, it’s treated like treasure. Shane’s got more wisdom in his beard than most people have in their entire life.

And finally, we have Jack Learmond-Criqui. Jack is 62 years old and spends his weekends running a curry empire. If you’ve never had his curry, then you’ve never really lived. It’s so good, it’ll haunt your taste buds—and probably your dreams. I wouldn’t be surprised if his curry had some kind of secret ingredient that makes you crave it for the rest of your life. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

So yeah, that’s me and my crew: a group of tough, unpredictable guys who never back down from a challenge. We’re always pushing limits, breaking records, and generally having a great time while doing it. Think you can keep up? I wouldn’t bet on it.

Activities & Interests

Activities    Starting impromptu “Lineman Olympics”

Trying to break my personal record for most push-ups while eating pizza

Hosting backyard wrestling matches

Reenacting dramatic football plays in my living room

Racing my car down the street in reverse

Having “secret” meetings with my friends to discuss “the best way to avoid doing homework”

Accidentally breaking random things while “lifting” them

Challenging strangers to arm wrestling matches at the gym

Starting a “Curry Taste Test” club

Attempting to lift my own body weight in random objects

Interests    Collecting dust bunnies from under my bed—each one tells a different story.

Perfecting my technique for yelling at the TV during non-sporting events.

Trying to see how many cups of coffee I can drink before I start vibrating.

Mastering the art of doing push-ups while watching Netflix.

Memorizing the entire script of The Lion King just in case I need to impress someone.

Organizing my socks by "how loud they are."

Watching paint dry, then pretending to be an expert on it.

Practicing my touchdown dance in public places to see who notices.

Doing "spontaneous" motivational speeches to my reflection.

Looking for the world's biggest burrito to challenge myself to eat it in under 5 minutes